just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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