My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
