I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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