Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
