He uses pillows to masturbate.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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