Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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