If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
