She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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