I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
