Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
