I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
