i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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