He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
