peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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