it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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