I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
