i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
