I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
