So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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