how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
