OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
