Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
