The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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