i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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