just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
