textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
