Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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