my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My cat gives me a boner
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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