so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
