my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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