Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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