I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize