The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
