I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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