Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
