Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
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Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My vagina is officially offended.
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