Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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