i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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