Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
