i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
