my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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