FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
