Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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