I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
