hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
