My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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