Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
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I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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