I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
