dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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