There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
