I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
