I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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