why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
