I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
