all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
