We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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