i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
